


Yes, this.

by DracoWillHearAboutThis



Category: Openly Straight Series - Bill Konigsberg
Genre: Angst, Ben dealing with his new circumstances, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Honestly Ben, Trouble In Paradise, fight and make up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:20:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24910729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DracoWillHearAboutThis/pseuds/DracoWillHearAboutThis
Summary: "Don’t you think it’s time you stopped punishing me for things I had no control over?”Coming back to Natick after his suspension, Ben is still struggling with his new circumstances, and is, therefore, pulling away from Rafe. Rafe won't have any of that.
Relationships: Benjamin Carver/Seamus Rafael Goldberg
Kudos: 9





	Yes, this.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, my dear readers! I've been through this series last week and I can't get these two out of my head. So I decided to write a little something. I know this isn't much, but I do hope you enjoy it :D

Coming back to Navick after his suspension had been more difficult for Ben than he had anticipated. 

He'd hoped that Spring break and the week with his parents would give him time to settle into this new reality he had found himself in; that the three weeks would be enough for his whirlwind of emotions to clear and for him to deal with the fact that everything was a bit different now, and was always going to be different. 

Returning to school, though, he quickly realised that three weeks had been nothing but a drop of lukewarm water on a hot stone. It had been hard enough to navigate his father’s cold indifference at home, but now, he was faced with further consequences to his actions: talks with the headmaster about the loss of the award and the scholarship - not that he’d expected any less - as well as the set back to a straight C in Algebra, which he now needed to invest his energy into all over to rectify. 

And so, Ben fell into a nervous frenzy once more, quite without noticing. He put all his energy into studying because if only he could bring his grades back up, maybe, everything else would straighten out, as well. 

“You’re doing it again,” Rafe accused, an edge to his voice.

He’d come to find Ben in the library, his jaw set, and Ben blinked, not quite sure what the other boy was referring to for a long moment.

“Doing what?” he asked. 

“Putting up walls,” he said, gesturing to him. “Pushing me away.”

“I’m not -” Ben started, but Rafe cut him off.

“I know you said, up in Boulder, that you blame me for everything that changed in your life,” he said. “And in a way, I get that. I know it’s not rational, and you can’t help what you feel. But don’t you think it’s time you stopped punishing me for things I had no control over?”

Ben stared at him, completely taken off guard. He remembered their conversation in Boulder, of course, and he remembered telling Rafe that he’d been subconsciously angry with him. He knew that his anger hadn’t been fair, exactly - it had been justified once, when Rafe had kept secrets from him, but that wasn’t what had bothered him, not anymore. No, rather, Rafe had been the personification of every motivation and initiative that had tipped his life off its axis in the last couple of month. 

He hadn’t done it on purpose, though. They had just been two boys in love, and they’d both made mistakes along the way, and Ben had grown to understand that. 

Or was he still holding onto this without realising? From the hurt expression on Rafe’s face, he must be. 

“Rafe - I’m not punishing you,” Ben replied, after a long pause; too long, he was sure, but Rafe knew him well enough to wait until he'd thought through the words in his mind before he actually spoke them aloud, even when he was cross with him like this. “This isn’t about you.”

That had been the wrong thing to say, apparently, because Rafe physically recoiled. Ben’s fingers twitched to reach out for him, but he balled his hand into a fist to stop himself.

“Right,” he muttered. “None of my business, I guess. I’m only your boyfriend, after all.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Ben shook his head, pushing his chair back to get to his feet. “I just meant -”

“You know what,” Rafe shook his head, taking another step back. “Come find me once you’ve figured out what it is you want. I can’t deal with you going all hot-and-cold on me all the time.”

And with that, he turned and stormed out of the library, and Ben felt like a real jackass. 

Rafe was right, he realised immediately. He had been negligent. Ever since he’d come back, he’d been so wrapped up in his own drama that he hadn’t even stopped to reach out to Rafe - or rather, let Rafe reach out to him. 

And Rafe had been amazingly patient, all things considered. Almost two weeks had passed with him constantly shrugging his boyfriend off, and Rafe hadn’t even mentioned it. It made Ben wonder why he hadn’t called him out sooner. Rafe wasn’t generally that composed.

Ben sighed, his chest tightening as he rested his forehead onto his book. 

It was Albie who opened the door when Ben knocked about an hour later. He’d wanted to give Rafe at least some time to cool off, but this was about as long as he could let the issue rest, he decided. Albie looked at him wearily, and Ben knew that he knew, which meant Rafe had probably ranted as soon as he’d returned to his room. Ben felt very small all of a sudden.

“Hi,” he said, wincing a little. “Is Rafe here?”

Albie hesitated. “I don’t know,” he said, at last. “Rafe, are you here?”

“Very subtle,” Toby commented from inside the room.

Ben heard Rafe sigh before he appeared next to Albie in the doorway, looking very tired. He had changed into sweatpants and an old P-Flag shirt his Mom had surely packed before he returned to school, and he was holding his phone in his hands. 

“Hey,” he said, frowning.

“Can we talk?” Ben asked him.

“I don’t know,” he shrugged, crossing his arms. “Can we? Don’t you have homework?”

Ben sighed. “Please,” he breathed. 

Rafe sighed and shot a look at Albie. “We’ll be in his room,” he told him. Albie nodded. 

The walk over to Ben’s room was silent and tense. It was only when the door was closed behind him and Rafe had sat on Bry’s old bed that Ben started to talk.

“I’m sorry,” Ben said, as sincerely as possible. “I know I’ve been a horrible boyfriend. Please, believe me when I say it’s not you. When I say ‘it’s got nothing to do with you’, I don’t mean ‘it’s none of your business’. I was just so wrapped up in my own head that I didn’t pay any attention to you, and I feel horrible about that. I’m so sorry.”

Rafe was silent for a long moment. Then, he asked, very hesitantly: “Do you still want this, Ben?”

“What?” Ben asked, his eyes widening. “You mean _us?_ _You?”_ When Rafe nodded, he let out an incredulous breath. “Of course, I still want you!” he called, taking the seat next to him on the bed and searching his gaze. “I love you, and only a month ago, I told the whole damned school!”

“But that was before everything happened, wasn’t it?” Rafe reminded him.

“Yes and no,” Ben admitted. “Maybe things blew up after, but - Rafe, not everything that changed because of you was  _ bad _ . On the contrary! I like the person I’ve become because of you, even if I do tend to fall back into old patterns sometimes.” Ben hesitated, then he reached out for Rafe’s hand. Relief flooded his veins when Rafe let him. “That’s why I need you to not let me go,” he breathed. “I’m better with you.”

“Oh?” Rafe asked, meeting his eyes, at last.

“Yes,” Ben nodded. “You let me be  _ me. _ So keep calling me out when I’m acting like an evasive dick. Get angry at me when I neglect you, tell me when I’m being unfair. I know I’m far from perfect. But please, don’t let me go.”

Rafe’s lips twitched at that; not quite a smile, but getting there. It prompted Ben to shift closer to him, until he was pressed up against his side and his forehead was touching Rafe’s temple, his soft hair tickling his skin. He could smell him now, and Rafe’s familiar scent calmed him as nothing had for  _ weeks. _

“I love you,” he whispered, pressing a gentle kiss to his cheekbone. “I’m sorry.”

Rafe sighed. “It’s okay,” he muttered. He leaned into him slightly, and Ben took this as his clue to wrap his arms around Rafe, pulling him into a tight embrace. “We’ve been through worse than this.”

“True, that,” Ben chuckled, and Rafe rested his head against his shoulder.

“I’d just like to feel like I have a boyfriend again,” Rafe muttered, his voice muffled since his face was mushed against Ben’s throat. “So can we stop that crap now? It’s exhausting.”

“Sounds good to me,” Ben nodded, smiling.

Rafe twisted in his arms until he could fit his mouth to Ben’s and then they were kissing, gentle and without hurry, and  _ yes _ , Ben thought,  _ this. _

His life might have turned upside down in the matter of a few months, and sometimes, the thought was driving him up the walls. But here, with Rafe, he felt calm and steady and _right_ , and he knew that all of it had been worth it. 

When Rafe pulled away, he was smiling again, and it made Ben smile, too. 

“So,” he said, his eyes twinkling, “are you going to throw me out for Algebra?”

Ben chuckled, pulling him into another kiss. “Algebra can wait,” he murmured, against his lips, and he felt Rafe’s laughter vibrate in his chest. 


End file.
